Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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