sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
