I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
