I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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