I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
