Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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