so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
