the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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