please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
