I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
