Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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