I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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