OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
a search helicopter?!
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
