im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
