They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My bed smells like the plague
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
