God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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