The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
