and you said cock pushups were impossible
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
