i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
