Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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