So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
