guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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