Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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