Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
