So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
