Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
