why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
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