I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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