Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
