my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
