I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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