I met the friendliest cop last night
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
