I smell stomach acid.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
