also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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