I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
and you fell through a lawn chair
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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