I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
