i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
