Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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