Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
