I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
