What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
