I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
