evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
