I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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