i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
