i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
