So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
