im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just cropdusted the office
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
