you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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