My liver just broke up with me...
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think your dad took our porno
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
