I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
