What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
