I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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