i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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