First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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