he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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