the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
