When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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