the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
